Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
