I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
