Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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