i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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