I'm lost and stupid without you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
