12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
