420 ftw
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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