Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
