whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We need to get me chipped asap
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
