The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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