i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
