Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize