Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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