I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
