I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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