I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
