just come out here and I will go home with you...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
