She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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