I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
