he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
