I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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