You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
