The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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