update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
