So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Even the bartender felt bad for me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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