im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
