Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
