Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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