bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
