A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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