When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
