I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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