My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They have beer where we have blood.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
