Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
