my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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