do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize