its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
