Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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