he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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