so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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