Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
