gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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