hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
