I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
