i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
