I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize