Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
