Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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