hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
