4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
