Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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