I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
