He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
