my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
