I hate your face
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think i have two assholes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize