Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You ruined the universe
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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