He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
