He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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