Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
