im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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