I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
