Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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