you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
