Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
